


Its Him or Me!

by DirtyLilGreaseMonkey



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 23:06:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4455971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey/pseuds/DirtyLilGreaseMonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert pulls a gun on Aaron, but who will he shoot? The man he loves or himself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Its Him or Me!

**Author's Note:**

> So most of the dialogue is taken from the first episode aired on 23rd July, but with a different ending, Paddy never shows up so its just Aaron and Robert. It took alot to write this, emotionally, so I hope you enjoy it.

Aaron woke up alone and scared. His hands still bound the white cord still in his mouth. He had left him. He had left him all night.

An hour goes by before he hears what he can only presume is Robert entering the lodge.

He sits up a little straighter, he isn’t gonna let him see how scared his is.

Robert opens the door.

“I brought some water. There’s no one around, I checked,” he says as he takes a sit on the floor next to Aaron,

“But that’s why you chose here wasn’t it, because it’s private.”

Aaron wants to spit words at him but he’s still gagged. Anger takes hold of him causing his breathing to become heavy and nasal.

Robert looks over at Aaron when he hears his breathing change, he loosens the gag so the white cord falls around his neck.

The hate Aaron felt for him as he sat next to him radiated off him in waves. Robert could feel it. Aaron glared at him.

“Stop looking at me like that.” Robert demanded.

Aaron couldn’t take his eyes off Robert, they blurred with anger. How could he have left him like this? All night. And go home to her, like nothing was wrong. What lies he did have to tell to get back here?

“Here drink this.” Robert says offering Aaron a bottle of water.

“No.” “You have to.” Robert pleads.

“No I don’t.”

“Aaron.”

“No.”

The anger for the man in front of him is growing by the second, his breathing heavy, tears unshed in his eyes.

Robert knows how anger Aaron is, he found that out last night, his anger was what got them here in the first place, and he’d had to knock Aaron out just to get him to stop attacking him. He looked over at Aaron and wanted to touch him, to tell him it would be okay, but how was this going to be okay?

“This was your big plan all along wasn’t it, tie me up and leave me for hours. Was it meant to scare me,” Aaron says.

Robert is looking at Aaron, confused, this was never part of his plan. He wanted them to have a night away together, that’s what he thought he was getting into. That’s what he wanted. To spend time with Aaron, alone. But then Aaron had to go and push him.

“Show me you’re for real. Well it didn’t work!” Aarons eyes grow wide, trying to get his point across,

“Because I’m not scared of you. You’re gonna have to kill me to keep me quiet. Just like you did with Katie.”

Aarons words cut Robert like a knife. His eyes screw up like he was in pain. He didn’t want Aaron to be scared of him, he wanted Aaron to love him, that’s all he has ever wanted, since, well since his wedding day. Before that day the fact that Aaron could love him had never entered his head. But he did, he loved him, and that’s the reason they were in this mess. It was easier before. To pretend feelings didn’t come into it. For Robert they didn’t half the time, he thought he loved Chrissie, but really he loved what she offered him, stability, wealth, status, all the things he craved as a boy. And he would do anything to protect those things, sometimes acting before he realised what he was doing.

“Just like you tried to do with Paddy. So what you gonna do?”

“Listen to me, listen.” His voice breaking, his eyes never leaving Aarons face. He had to make him see.

“I was never gonna let Paddy get hurt. I just wanted to scare him.”

“So you said,” Aaron says like he’s given up, he is tired of listening to Roberts excuses, he isn’t even looking at him anymore.

“And Katie! Katie was an accident.”

Aaron turns his head back to look at Robert, disgust clear on his face.

“You killed her because she knew about us.”

“No.”

Robert says shaking his head, pain clear in his voice.

“You can’t take being gay so you kill people.”

“I didn’t kill her.” Robert says back, shaking his head still.

He didn’t kill her, she fell, she shouldn’t have been there.

“You’re a psychopath.”

“No.” Robert denies Aarons harsh words.

Aaron had to believe him, he didn’t mean to kill her.

Aaron doesn’t believe anything his says anymore. His face is still turned towards Robert but his eyes are not meeting his.

“Do you know the funniest thing is, you don’t know the half of what I went through, coming out. Accepting it. Believe me, I’ve been there I know how hard it is. But this.”

“If you think a little bit of teenage angst is the same as what I’m going through then you know nothing about me.”

“This isn’t about being gay.” Robert exclaimed.

There it is again. He can’t accept it. He will never accept it. And thing is Aaron couldn’t care less if Robert was gay or not, he obviously liked men and women, but he had to accept the fact that being with Aaron wasn’t something to be ashamed of. Aaron can’t look at him anymore. He turns away and closes his eyes.

“If this comes out I’ll lose everything. All I’ve worked for.”

And there it is, the truth, Aaron thinks rolling his eyes and nodding.

“So this is about money.” Aaron says, finally turning to face him again now he knows the truth,

“Because that’s so much better innit. That’s all you care about.”

Robert scoffs.

“No, no.” shaking his head.

He looks directly into Aarons eyes because he needs him to understand.

"I wish that was all I cared about.”

Aarons eyes are shining with unshed tears.

“Don’t you see? It’s you! You’re the worst mistake I’ve ever made.”

Robert grabs Aarons face. He wants to badly to close the distance between them but he knows Aaron his angry and it would just make things worse so he just tells him how he feels, he needs Aaron to hear him.

Aaron knows what Robert wants but that just makes him angrier, his breathing is becoming erratic.

“Falling in love with you ruined everything.”

Aaron can’t believe he said it, he fell in love with him, he actually admitted it.

Robert has moved up into a kneeling position, he wasn’t trying to scare Aaron, he just wanted to make him see.

“Finding Katie like that. Having to talk my brother down from killing himself and not being able to tell him the truth. This now. Doing this because you tried to trap me with a recording.” Robert was getting angry too, trying to blame Aaron.

“All this is because of you.”

“No!” Aaron exclaimed.

Aaron refuses to believe that he is to blame. Yes he played some part but Robert brought this on himself.

“You did all this yourself.”

Robert sighs and lets go of Aarons face. He sits back, all care he felt a moment ago dissipating at Aarons accusations.

“You know I’m trying to explain myself and you’re just not listening.”

Aaron can’t look at him anymore, he turns his head.

“Do you really think that I’m that selfish, I’m that psychotic, that I’d actually kill someone?”

Aaron looks back at the man he once loved, loves, he doesn’t know anymore, although right this second hate is the word he would use, he replies,

“Yeah,” with a nod.

Robert nods at Aarons answer. He is upset that Aaron could think that of him. That this man, this scruffy, arrogant, little man could think that of him, he decides to see if he can prove him wrong.

“Lets find out shall we.”

Leaving a bewildered Aaron still bound to the radiator, Robert gets up and leaves the room.

Aaron looks confused, what did he mean lets find out? He knows Robert can be ruthless but what does he have in store for him now? He turns to face the door as Robert walks back in the room. A gun in his hand.

A gun???!??

He stands next to Aaron, the gun a few inches from Aarons face.

Aaron leans back, away from the weapon and looks up at Robert and back down at the gun. This can’t be happening. Aaron closes his eyes. This is it. I’m not getting out of here alive.

“You’ve gone quiet,” Robert states, moving around Aaron to place the gun on a table.

Robert feels calmer now he’s the one in control again and he takes a seat so he is sat across from Aaron now. The gun wasn’t the best idea but nothing was in this situation, plus it allowed him to gain control back and that’s all he has ever wanted. Control.

“Got nothing else to say?”

“Yeah, you’re pathetic, never mind that,” Aaron spits out, eying the gun and continues,

“How could you love me? When you let me go through all that with Katie. All that guilt, all that pain.”

Robert had to look away from Aarons stare.

Robert knew that he would bring this up. He had no idea what hurting Aaron had done to him, to what lengths he had to go through that day in the woods. He had nearly told Chas he loved him. Of course Aaron would never know that. He hated himself for making Aaron feel like that. He felt it too, even broke down with Diane once, but seeing Aaron raked with guilt was the thing he regretted the most. The day of his big confession, when he told Aaron he loved him was the day he decided nothing mattered but Aaron. He did expect there to be a lynch mob after him when he came back to the pub later on, but no, that was something he would do, not Aaron. He had meant it then and he meant it now, he loved Aaron, even if he didn’t always so it.

“You think I didn’t feel any of that?”

Aaron made a face and shook his head, he wasn’t sure Robert was capable of remorse.

“No.”

“Well you’re wrong,” Robert replies, closing the distance between them, he needs Aaron to hear him.

“I’ve told you, I’ve told you I loved her once and it was an accident.”

Aaron shallows back his tears, he can’t bear to hear him talk about loving someone else, and if he loved her and could kill her, what hope was there for him?

Robert couldn’t look at Aaron for what he was about to admit,

“But I was responsible.”

He actually admitted it, Aaron thought, at least that’s a start, he’s owning up to something.

“I had to watch her die,” Robert breaks down.

“I was nothing, nothing, to witness what it did to Andy.”

“Then you should have told him the truth.” Aaron remarks.

“The truth would kill him and I only just saved him from going over the edge of that cliff.”

Robert remembered back to that night, when he thought he’d lost Aaron too. He remembers the feeling of shear panic that came over him when he could no longer see him out of the window. He called his name. Seeing him stand on the edge of that quarry made Robert realise just how much he meant to him. He would never know how that moment affected Robert. How it made him see what his life would be like without Aaron, if he lost him, he couldn’t handle it.

“Oh change the record.”

Aaron was done listening to Robert.

“The truth would kill him and I’m not a killer.”

Aaron looked at Robert when he said these words. Did he believe him?

Robert scoffed when he didn’t see redemption in Aarons eyes.

“I never wanted any of this.”

Finally the tears started to fall from Aarons eyes,

“No, so it wasn’t just a tiny bit lucky that Katie fell?”

He couldn’t stop the tears, it was time he knew the truth,

“The one person that knew about us……..”

Robert was heartbroken, what happened to Katie was an accident, all he wanted was the phone, he didn’t know the floorboards were weak, did he? No he didn’t. He just wanted the picture gone and she wouldn’t give it to him so he pushed her. He didn’t know that she would fall back and through the floorboards. How could he?

“Ended up with a broken neck.” Aaron finishes.

“I didn’t kill her, yeah I’ll admit I didn’t confess the truth because I was scared. Perhaps your right, perhaps that makes me a monster.”

Aaron wanted to hurt Robert, hurt him like Katies death has hurt him, but all he had was words,

“And pathetic.”

“Ok yeah, then I’m pathetic, I thought I could get away with it. Then I saw Andys face,” Roberts tears started to flow.

Aaron couldn’t look at him, it killed him to see him like that, tears flowing down his own face.

“And I, I realised what her dying meant. I’d ruined my brother life, no matter whatever else I did I could never change that.”

Aaron stared at him, Robert was being real, for the first time in a long time, this broken mess in front of him was the real Robert, the one he’d fallen in love with. His heart ached to reach out and comfort him but he brain was screaming at him, telling him how much he’d hurt him.

“And that’s when I promised myself, I would devote my life to supporting him, stop him suffering anymore pain.”

He looks at the gun,

“Whatever it took.”

Aaron follows Roberts gaze to the gun, does that me him or me?

“So come on then. You say you’re not a killer but you’re prepared to kill for this?” Aaron says riling Robert, trying to get a reaction.

Robert can’t believe Aaron is egging him on, killing him is the last thing he wants to do. He falls to the floor, breaking down into sobs.

“You need to make you’re mind up.” Aaron offers.

Robert sniffs.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Then I’ll make it easy for ya shall I?” Aaron says, fresh tears rolling down his face, not sure who they are for, Robert or himself.

If this is how he died at least the pain would finally stop for both of them, although Robert would have to live with his choices.

“Do it.”

Robert can’t take Aarons words, he buries his head in his arms.

“Do it, kill me.”

Robert wraps his arms around himself, he looks like a little lost boy.

“And you say that I’m a liar,” Robert cries looking at Aaron.

Aarons confused.

“What?”

“You said you loved me too. Remember?”

Aaron winces in pain as he remembers back to the time he told Robert he loved him.

“Remember?” Robert cries.

Of course he remembers, he remembered the shock on Roberts face as he said the words ‘because I love ya’ that was the day he married her. The day he lured Katie to the farm with hopes of catching Robert cheating. The day everything changed.

Aaron bites his lip, of course I remember he’s screaming in his head, why didn’t you just love me back?

“So, you were lying then?” Robert asks.

Tears stream down Aarons face, why is he doing this? Why is he bringing up the past? He wasn’t ready then but he’s ready now?

“If you loved me, you wouldn’t put me in this position.” Robert says.

It was Aarons turn to scoff, he knew what Robert was trying to do, so he had to make him believe the next words out of his mouth, he riled up all his anger all his hate and spat them out,

“Of course I don’t love you. How could I? Look at you. You disgust me.”

“I wish I’d never met ya.” Aaron adds before taking a deep breath.

Robert sighed, he knew what he had to do. If Aaron didn’t love him he had nothing left.

He got up and went for the gun, Aarons confession made everything clear, he picked up the gun, took a deep breath and pointed it at Aaron.

Aaron knew this was it. This was the moment he would die. Tears rolled down his face but he was ready, he’d been ready for months, he just didn’t realise it. He closed his eyes and waited. Waited for the pain to finally end.

But Robert just stood there, shaking, gun in hand.

Aaron needed this, needed the pain to stop, so he egged him on again, looking directly at Robert,

“Go on, do it.”

Robert was broken. Tears streamed down his face, he didn’t know if he could pull the trigger. Aarons anger made it easier but how could he kill the person he loved? The one person how loved him back, or so he thought. Aarons words ran through his head, if he didn’t love him what else did he have left to live for. Chrissie wasn’t enough, she had never been never enough, it had always been Aaron, since the first time he’d heard his gruff voice utter the words ‘Oh really, that’s alright then, negotiate with me.’

“Do it,” Aaron cries.

“I meant it,” Robert blurts out, he voice cracking from his tears.

“I love you,” he sobbed.

He slowly turns the gun and points it at himself. This is how he will make it better. It was the only way to allow Aaron and Andy for that matter, to get on with their lives. As the gun slid into his mouth, the cold metal making him shiver, he thought about what peace his death would bring them and in that moment he was overcome with a wave of happiness, knowing that he could finally bring Aaron peace.

Robert words combined with his tears made Aaron sob. Aaron didn’t want to say it, he hadn’t even thought it since he found out what he had done but it was still there. No matter how hard he tried to deny it the feelings he had for him would never go away. He hated him for making him say it be he didn’t see another choice. He couldn’t sit there any let him do this.

“Robert please, don’t.”

“I…………..”

“I……………”

“I love you,” he finally manages to whisper through his tears.

Robert looked back at Aaron in amazement, his hand and the gun in it, fell away from his open mouth in shock and his tears returned, streaming down his face.

“What?!?” he said astonished.

“You can’t, not after this, that’s what you said.”

Why is he doing this? I was ready to let him go but now, now I know that he still loves me, what I am supposed to do?

“I know, I, I lied,” Aaron broke down, finally admitting his true feelings for this pathetic man in front of him.

“I love you, you muppet and I hate myself for it, but it doesn’t change that fact does it.”

“Drop the gun Robert, please, don’t do anything stupid.”

“Stupid? Isn’t this what you want? To be free?” Robert asks Aaron.

“Yes, I want to be free but I can’t watch you do that Robert, I’d rather you kill me then watch you die,” Aaron manages through his tears.

Robert drops to his knees, the gun falling from his hand.

“Aaron,” he pleads, not sure what he needs, sobs reeking through his chest.

“Untie me Robert.”

“Aaron.”

“Robert.”

“I, I, love you.” Robert sobs unable to hold back the tears.

He’d been so close to pulling the trigger, not sure who he wanted to kill. But Aaron had saved him, had said he loved him. And that’s all it took, a declaration of love from the man he had tied to a radiator. He didn’t deserve it. He knew that, he knew he’d done so much to protect himself without even thinking of Aaron, well not anymore, if they made it out of this lodge Robert was going to show Aaron just how much he loved him.

“I know you do.”

“Aaron,” Robert sobs, he crawled over and placed both hands on Aarons face.

Aaron flinched, not sure what Robert wanted, he may have admitted his feelings but he wasn’t ready to forgive him. Robert lent his forehead against Aarons, and took a deep breath, the connection calming his sobs. When his breathing had returned to a semi normal state he pulled back and looked at Aarons face.

Aarons eyes were pleading with him to untie him.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are, please Robert,” Aaron says looking back at his bound hands.

Robert hesitates unsure of what Aaron would do without his restraints but he has to trust him, so he fumbles around behind Aaron, untying him. When the knot is undone he sits back and looks at Aaron again, expecting a punch or worse.

Aaron rubbed his wrists trying to ease the aching flesh.

Seeing what his actions had done to Aaron causes Robert to breakdown, his breath coming in short sharp rasps, his chest heaving from the uncontrollable sobs that had taken over his body again. He was mumbling and Aaron had to strain his ears to hear what he was saying.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”

He didn’t want to, but he knew Robert needed it and his heart broke as he wrapped his arms around the lost little boy in front of him. The boy he hated, the boy he loved, the boy that wanted to kill him, the boy who wanted to kill himself.

“I’m not a bad person,” Robert said a little more coherently.

Aaron didn’t trust himself to speak, he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore, so he just held him, like you would cradle a child.

Roberts hands found Aarons and intertwined their fingers. Robert just wanted to be comforted, but Aaron, Aaron didn’t know what he wanted. A million things were running through his head, a whirlwind of emotions. He looked at down at their hands, at his hands, hands that slammed a bottle into his head less than 12 hours ago, hands that had tied him to a radiator and left him overnight, hands that pointed a gun at him, then at himself, hands that had brought him great pleasure, hands that caressed his skin in ways that he hadn’t even known were possible. Aarons eyes moved up to meet Roberts.

“I’m sorry,” Robert offered again as he looked back at Aaron.

“Shhh.”

Aaron pulled his hand away from Roberts and ran his fingers through blonde hair. He didn’t know why but he wanted to soothe Roberts pain. He didn’t deserve Aarons sympathy, just look what he’d done. He was a coward who had risked everything he cared about for Aaron, to be with Aaron. However messed up Robert was, Aaron was worse. He’d done some pretty messed up things when he was younger but he’d managed to get through them, he’d had his mum and Paddy, but Robert, Robert didn’t have anyone. Yes what he’d done to protect himself was wrong, and Aaron wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to forgive him, if they would ever have what they once had, but he knew he couldn’t give up on him, because however hard he tried, this selfish little boy had a piece of Aarons heart.

Robert felt at ease with Aarons hands on him. He wasn’t sure how he did it but Aaron always managed to calm him down.

“You aren’t a mistake,” Robert said softly.

“Robert, we don’t need to do this now.”

“We do.”

Robert reluctantly untangled himself from Aarons embrace, unsure of when he’d feel his arms around him again. He faced Aaron and looked at him before saying,

“I love you, I am in love with you.”

“So you’ve said.”

He took Aarons hands and looked down at the red marks on his wrists. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on each mark. Aaron closed his eyes and he felt Roberts lips on his skin, he wanted to pull away, he wanted to get as far away from him as possible, he needed to clear his head.

“You can’t kiss away the pain this time Robert.” Aaron said sadly.

“I know. But I have to try.”

He moves his hands back to Aarons face and pulls his close. Aaron is reluctant to close the distance, he doesn’t want Roberts lips to touch his. He needn’t have worried, Robert knows he can’t kiss him, Aaron wasn’t ready, so he leans his forehead against Aarons, savouring the connection between them.

“I’m afraid I’ve lost you,” Robert admits.

“Robert, I…..” “I know, you need time.”

“So do you Robert. We both need to work out what just happened. You were going to pull that trigger, either at me or yourself…”

“I would never hurt you.”

“Robert.”

“I know I already have, haven’t I.”

Aaron just nodded, his eyes filling with tears.

“Please Robert, I want to go home.”

Robert takes a deep breath, basking in the warmth of Aaron, not knowing when he will get to do it again.

“I love you.” Robert whispers again before pulling away from Aaron.

Aaron can’t bring himself to say it back and Robert doesn’t expect him to. He grabs a bottle of water that lay discarded next to the radiator as he stands up. He then helps Aaron to his feet, placing his arm around Aarons back. Once Aaron is steady enough to stand on his own Robert offers him the bottle of water,

“Drink this, please.” Robert says softly.

This time Aaron didn’t argue, he took the bottle and gulped the water down, relishing the feel of the cool liquid on his lips. He lets out a sigh, he didn’t realise how much he needed that.

“Come on,” Robert says, indicating towards the door,

“Lets go home.”

Aaron legs are stiff from sitting in the same position for hours, so Robert helps him walk out of the lodge.

As they step outside and head towards Roberts car, Aaron can’t help looking back. He feels like he is leaving part of himself behind in the lodge, and he didn’t know what getting into the car with Robert would mean. All he knew was that the events of the last 24 hours had changed his feelings for Robert, possibly forever. The ghost of their feelings would always be between them, Roberts words would replay themselves over and over in Aarons head but he needed to work out what he wanted, because right now when he looked at Roberts awaiting hand he saw everything he loved in the shell of a man he hated.


End file.
